His Tender Mercies

We have been waiting for LOA for 50 days now. I really thought I was prepared for how long this would take…but I was wrong. Who am I kidding?  I do not like suspense. I am the kid who knew every one of my Christmas presents weeks before Christmas morning. I knew all the hiding places and if it was already wrapped I would cut the tape and then rewrap it. Once I start reading a book I have to finish it immediately (even if that means staying up all night to do it).

Once we saw Maggie’s sweet little face it all became so real. We have a daughter! We have a little girl! Right now she is being held, and fed, and cared for by someone else. Hopefully she is being loved and snuggled and tucked in at night with a kiss. Don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly grateful for those who are taking care of her, but I would prefer that it was me doing those things. Every day I count the days and follow other peoples  timelines and try to figure out the probability of when we can expect our LOA, TA and finally when we will travel. Several times a day I try and calculate if it is even likely to happen before Christmas.

I have really had to trust in our Heavenly Father through this whole process. At every step in this journey I have had to turn to Him and again lay it all in His hands. The hardest part has not been having faith in God, but rather having faith in myself that I am capable of recognizing the answers He may be trying to show us. It seems we have hit a bump in one form or another at every step along the way. But looking back I know it was all leading us to Maggie.

When agency #1 no longer had access  to the SN list we debated on whether or not we should wait to see if they reopened their SN program or just switch to a new agency (which meant losing about $3000). We prayed and researched agencies (again) and felt prompted to go with agency #2. After sending our application we waited several weeks before they called to tell us they were closing their doors. At this point I was really starting to doubt myself and my ability to recognize answers. We had been wrong with two agencies already. We again prayed about which agency to choose but I really struggled this time because I did not trust myself. After much fasting and prayer we finally made the decision to go with agency #3 (the agency that #2 had recommended) even though we had never heard of this agency and no one on my adoption yahoo groups had either. Throughout all of the agency changes we also faced many other road blocks which made it easy to get discouraged. (Oh. And just a few weeks after signing with agency #3, agency #1 reopened their SN program.) It made it easy to question myself, but I also knew that we had placed our trust in the Lord, that we had been guided in each of those steps and it was all in His timing. We knew that there was a reason for all of these trials and even though we did not know the reasons, God did. Then our agency called. And we saw her sweet face. And I knew. I knew that we had been led to this agency at this time so that we could find this little girl. Our little girl. Our daughter.

You see, the first agency is the one that led us to the SN program. And the second agency led us to the third. With out going through the second one we never would have heard of the Barker Foundation. And most importantly we would not have found our little Maggie, because she was on Barker’s agency specific list and not on the shared list.

There was a reason for each and every delay. There was a reason for the 6 months it took to get Merritt’s background check from Colombia, and why our fingerprint appointment got lost in the mail, and all the other many, many holdups. It was all in the Lord’s time. He can see the whole picture and He really is watching out for each of us and hears our prayers. Maggie will come home in the Lord’s time. Knowing that doesn’t make my heart ache any less for her and I am still asking that the time will be soon. But in the end I know that whatever happens it is in God’s hands.

“The Lord is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works.”  Ps. 145:9

I love this talk given by Elder Bednar. Click here to read it. In it he reminds us that God leaves us little reminders throughout our lives to tell that us He loves us. He also says, “The Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness and obedience enable us to receive these important gifts and, frequently, the Lord’s timing helps us to recognize them.” I know that each of us is a child of God and that he loves each and every one of His children. Finding Maggie is just one of the Lord’s tender mercies.